Embody Wisdom #11. Death and Anxiety
Sunday, March 12th 2023 (Every Sunday @6pm, UK Time)
Introduction
Death has been a relevant subject this week. A few days ago one of my family dogs suddenly died. Not even 2 years old. We got him soon after my brother’s death and in a few days it will have been 2 years since he died. I’ve had death on my mind for other reasons as well as other life stresses to deal with. I don’t want to write about death today but I will for 2 reasons:
You should probably do the thing you feel like you will regret if don’t do it. For example, when my brother died I was asked if I wanted to see him in his coffin. I didn’t want to. I felt uncomfortable about it but I felt I would have regretted it if I didn’t go, so I went, said my goodbyes, and I am glad I did.
I have desires but I think I want to lead with actions that shape who I want to be rather than indulge in my desires. Right now I want the world to stop, for a week, and give me a breather to catch up on tasks and recover mentally. Right now who I want to be is someone who bravely dares to carry burdens, knowing well it could crush me. I can’t stop time but I have time to do right with my life. At these moments, I want to be the person who is: brave, vulnerable, loving, and a philosophical example.
What to do about the realities of death?
You and everyone you know will die and we are not promised a known set time, if we are then it is likely under a circumstance of being shortened from what we expected. I think it is a mistake to see life as short, a lot can be accomplished and experienced in 70 to 80 years if you live your life well. It’s limited. Life is precious and it should be treated as such.
As well as that we should have gratitude for the moments we have, for happiness, with others, and simply for being alive. By being alive we have the potential for more good moments or to minimize the bad ones, for ourselves and others. And above all else, value those that matter to you. Spend time with them, presently so, as present as the present is, authentically so, as authentic as you are deep within.
If someone dies and you feel guilty about the things you did and didn’t do, that feeling doesn’t have to be about feeling bad, it could be a calling to do good. You can’t change things between you and the person that is no longer with you at these moments but you can grow into a better person and do right and good for those who are still alive, who could benefit from your help and love.
This is can be very much painful and challenging to pursue. I struggle as well. I want to appreciate how precious life is but I’m not as emotionally or rather spiritually tapped into it as much as I would like to be, though I am plagued by it.
Health Anxiety
Due to events in 2019, I was close to death, which has stayed with me. I’ve always been an anxious-minded person but after 2019 I was prone to plenty of panic attacks and health anxiety issues.
Anxiety isn’t simply something you consciously think about, it can also be your mind and body screaming at you. I’ve had thoughts appear in my head that my death is imminent, panic attacks, heart palpitation, and physical sensations of pain that have lasted for weeks or months at a time. I’ve persevered through panic attacks whilst running, alone, and in social situations without anyone knowing. Trying to fall asleep some nights feels like falling from the sky without a parachute and hoping to wake up afterwards. What a ludicrous thing.
Some might say I make these matters worse by pushing myself so hard, exposing myself to horrid things mentally, and thinking deeply, and I would agree in a sense, but I’ve benefited from it too, and so will others. These are everyday battles to some extent but It isn’t always dialled up to eleven, uncommonly so now. I’ve quieted my mind, healed some and cope better, and with time it will get better but time is required for such things.
The mind is a powerful thing. It can create delusions, disturb us, and confine us, but it isn’t purely for those functions. Sometimes you need to fight with your mind, to make it learn or at least not allow it to bind you, like in many instances of anxiety. My mind has been good for its wisdom, wit, and longing to be good, so I listen attentively to that. I choose to follow those themes of my mind, even though it’s paradoxically at odds with itself when I continue through anxious turmoil. All the walls my mind perceives and creates, become obstacles to overcome, and then earned accolades.
A Few Extra Words
Death as a topic will be something I will return to. I’ve just finished listening to an audiobook so I think I will pick up a book or an audiobook about death. As well as that I think I am going to return to personal journaling again, it is well overdue. I got a lot of benefits out of that at the end of 2022 and I’d like to explore new styles and formats for it, like writing detailed descriptions of people and moments, and writing effective storytelling narratives of events that have happened in my life.
I hope to have lived my life as faithfully as I set myself out to. Philosophically good, wise, and loving.
Love is as intense and good as you welcome it into your heart and actively express it in exchange with others.
Don’t half-love the people that matter to you, half-loving is broken and heart-breaking.
Learn from the deaths of those that matter to you and teach those lessons through your characters.
Memento Mori.
"I want to appreciate how precious life is but I’m not as emotionally or rather spiritually tapped into it as much as I would like to be, though I am plagued by it."
Question for you. What if some kind of 'greater being', something akin to 'God' or a transcendent 'radiance', is experiencing how precious life is through you? You think you're not 'spiritually tapped into it', but what if that sense of limitation (that you're not spiritual "enough", always just shy of what you would 'like to be', etc.) is itself the 'precious[ness]' of life which that greater being is experiencing through you? When I look back on those things I have loved most in my life, I notice myself cherishing their imperfections more and more as time goes on, like those 'imperfections', those 'flaws', they're somehow the very things that make them special, unique, one of a kind. And I call this...precious.
On another note, it's interesting how I find myself growing increasingly restless in anticipation (like how I used to feel as a kid waiting each week for a new episode of my favorite tv show) for each week's publication from this blog/diary/project. I would say the focal point, from my perspective at least, of each publication is the earnest expression of an individual searching to rejuvenate a sense of truth and meaning in their life. I don't have to agree with every conclusion or musing you express in order to be inspired by the genuine adventure of exploration and discovery upon which you embark and reflect in your writings. Watching as you try to make sense of the things you've learned abstractly (e.g. philosophy) as well as the things you've experienced intimately in your own life (e.g. death of a loved one), observing as you attempt to tie them together into some kind of coherent & synthetic whole. And empathizing with the piercing struggles and the fleeting sense of realization (which continuously demands to be renewed and rejuvenated) because I myself grapple with them endlessly. It's a privilege to be able to witness the journey.
p.s. "Trying to fall asleep some nights feels like falling from the sky without a parachute and hoping to wake up afterwards." I love that line.
Thanks for sharing your personal experiences once again.
"Don’t half-love the people that matter to you, half-loving is broken and heart-breaking." This hits quite deep. I am hesitant to elaborate further but I realise that there is a disconnect between my feelings and actions. I may feel something deeply yet am still able to not act on it, or ignore it. After reading this sentence I realise this is a tragic thing which I should attempt to correct immediately.
Recently, I have also been thinking about the idea of justifying something. It seems like justifications can be endless excuses. Everything can be justified it seems, but one betrays his heart in the process. I would like to explore this concept in the future.